Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
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