Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
