I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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