you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
