I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fuck appropriateness.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
