she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
