Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
