i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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