I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize