So drunk its hurt
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
