You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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