chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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