Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
