I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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