dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize