I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
