So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize