I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
