You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize