You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize