I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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