I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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