Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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