I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
