My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
