My liver just broke up with me...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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