My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
