Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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