Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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