Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
