i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
