omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
