Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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