I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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