He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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