I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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