come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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