we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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