god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
