Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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