can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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