so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
