you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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