I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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