I am puke
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
