i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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