Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize