you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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