Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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