Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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