My nipple is on Facebook.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
