We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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