This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
