I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
