I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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