I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
