Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
