dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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