counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
