It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
