I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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