textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
