Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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