im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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