Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
