Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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