I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
