i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
